Until then

She loves to put us down. All of us, not just me. "I won't tell you what people said about you, because I'm ashamed to tell you and hurt your feelings." I know deep down it isn't people, but it's her thoughts of me, what she thinks of me. I sense it in her voice, in her mannerisms. This is the reason why I feel like a television screen in the background when I speak to her, a program on mute, an image. I go to sleep hoping that in the morning what I saw, heard and felt was not true, but who am I kidding? I click next and next and next, I listen to conversation after conversation after conversation, all praising the most important people in one's life, and I wish, one day, I could participate. Until then, I keep pretending.