Guest Yuppie Post: Arty

I'm sure you're all familiar with my good friend Arty since I've mentioned him in a few blog posts. Arty has amazing taste for music, that's actually how we met, talking about music at the morgue (a.k.a. the gov). He sent me this the other day and it was too good not to post. If you're looking for ideas and your DJ friends are charging you by the hour, and your smooth friend is nowhere to be found, no fear, Arty is here with your guide to music you should play at your 2009 Christmas party.

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Yes yes y’all, December is upon us and if the thoughts of the inevitable Christmas party have not entered your head yet, well they have now. If you are one of the few who made the mistake to take on the responsibility to host this years Christmas party for you and your friends and find yourself regretting it more and more by the day, don’t worry, I’m here to help...partially. Some of the essentials are easy to get; food, booze, plastic cups for said booze, make-out mistletoe, cheesy wool sweater, napkins, etc... But one essential that may make or break the party is not so easy to cover, music. Sure you can just lazily put on the out-dated Girl Talk album or some A-Trak mix, but damnit if you want to impress that girl/guy/hipster, you’re gonna have to try harder. And that’s where I come in, I’m here to show you the Christmas light, so that by the end of the night, it’s you drunkenly making out with her/him/it, not the uninspired American Apparel empty shell of a person. So put down that Phoenix album, and come with me!

Kitsuné Maison Compilation 8 – Various Artists

Is there anything cooler than Kitsuné? No, no there isn’t. This is the latest compilation from the French Electronic Label, it came out in November so the tracks are still fresh, which is key - lead, don’t follow! Numéro 8 features the usual suspects (Midnight Juggernauts, Heartsrevolution, Delphic, Beni) so that familiarity you desperately need is there but there are also some new acts to the scene making things intriguing.

Tidbits of info that might help you get laid: Kitsuné Music is a French electronic music record label created in 2002. It is part of the Kitsuné Fashion Label created by Gildas Loaëc (Roulé), Patrick Lacey, Masaya Kuroki, Benjamin Reichen, Kajsa Ståhl and Maki Suzuki. The name derives from the Japanese word "kitsune" (きつね, 狐), which literally means fox.

If they seem drunk enough, you should somehow find a way to through in a “Fantastic Mr. Kitsuné” ..but don’t come back to me it is followed by silenced and people furrowing their brows.

Blakroc – The Black Keys Collaboration

You know the blues rock band The Black Keys whose name you read on blogs from time to time? Well they have collaborated with several hip-hop and R&B artists to create a rap rock album called Blakroc. I know what you’re saying “yeah, on paper it may look good, but it’ll end up being crap (see The Spirit of Apollo - N.A.S.A.)” But don’t worry, this collab actually works and is pretty damn good. The likes of Ludacris and Jim Jones may make your friends scoff (pretentious assholes) but appearances by Mos Def, Raekwon, Q-Tip and the ghost of Ol’ Dirty Bastard should shut them the hell up. Of course this is not an album you dance to but it should make for good background music and should make you look cool in front your white friends like most “black” music does.

Tidbits of info you might need to get laid: For some inexplicable reason they have come out with a Blakroc Chevy Camaro...vroom, vroom. So yeah, if you really like the album you can buy the car...I would be weary to bring this up in conversation though, if you start talking about Camaros, spoiler, rims, etc .., he/she/it will more than likely say “That’s cool...I’m going over there now” and walk away...and make out with that v-neck wearing mother fuc... But if you desperately want to say something I would suggest looking up the history of this project on wikipedia.

Warp20 (Box Set) – Various Artists

Warp Records is an English independent music label responsible for releasing albums by such electronic legends as Aphex Twin, Boards of Canada, and Squarepusher ...so basically they know their shit. They have recently started to sign indie acts as well such as Grizzly Bear, Gang Gang Dance, and Born Ruffians. To commemorate their 20th anniversary and or you to have something to spend those hard earned dollars on, Warp has released a deluxe special-edition of music and art, titled Warp20. The box set features five sections: Chosen, Recreated, Unheard, Elemental, and Infinite. More info can be found here. Not only are we talking about quality here, but also quantity. This box set will provide beats all night long, from the moment you unscrew the first bottle of wine to the inevitable pass out in the bathroom.

Tidbits of info you might help get you laid: I am not going to lie, I am pretty confused on how exactly you purchase the box set. From what I understand though, there are very limited copies of the actual vinyl box set and there was only one pressing, so if this is not in your hands by now it probably never will. If you know of a way to get the box set though, do it, it’s perrrrty. However, all is not lost; you can still buy individual sections of the box set I was talking about earlier on Amazon or even at your local independent music store. I know they are not as impressive as the box set, but hey, maybe you can talk about the box set and describe all its greatness to others, which may gain you their respect and idolisation.

Little Drummer Boy – Lindstrom

Every one’s favourite Norwegian has come up with his own rendition of the “Little Drummer Boy.” How long is it you ask? It is a whopping 40 minutes. If this does not make your Christmas party the coolest party of the season, I don’t know what will. But of course there’s always a catch, you cannot simply walk in to an HMV and purchase this recording, you have to get it from here, I’m warning you though, it is pricy. You can always hope it finds its way on the internet and *cough* download it illegally.

Tidbits of info that might help get you laid: An electronic version of Little Drummer Boy by the master Lindstrom? You don’t need to say anything, the music will radiate enough coolness on to you for you to swap fluids with anyone you please, you sleaze!

Warm Heart of Africa – The Very Best Of

Although not very Christmassy and not very fresh (you may not be the only one in the room who knows of their existence) this album will provide lots of warmth (as the name suggests) and works as background and dancing music. This African derived music will make you seem very open, non-conforming, hip and a handful of other things that people find attractive. Now aren’t you special.

Tidbits of info that might help get you laid: Whose high-pitched, wimpy voice is that on track 3? It is non-other than Ezra Koening from Vampire Weekend. And yup, you guessed correctly, it’s M.I.A. on track 10. The Very Best Of will also appear on the Crookers debut album, we are prostitutes...for information!

Fall Be Kind Ep - Animal Collective

For those wanting to ask me “But Arty, what if my infatuation does not like dancing and instead wants to smoke some illegal substance, find a quiet room and listen to some spacey music, what do I put on?” Well I have a solution for you. Everyone’s favourite indie psychedelic folk rockers have come out with a new EP, and like always it’s full of crazy ambient sounds and nonsensical lyrics that everyone finds so endearing.

Tidbits of info that might help get you laid: If she/he/it is actually an Animal Collective fan then ask them if they have heard “Walkabout” featuring Noah Lennox by Atlas Sound. If not, well then whip it out my friend and be prepared to hear the sounds of someone being impressed.

And there you go, if you follow my advice your Christmas party should be a smash and will make Jesus appreciate being born. If you do plan on drinking the blood of Christ this holiday, don’t be a cheap ass and buy Fuzion wine, show some class and pony up a few more dollars to buy something a little more respectable.