The answers are closer than you think

Growing up without television was difficult (but beneficial in the long run), mainly because kids were talking about what happened on so and so show and you had absolutely no idea what was going on. Kids don't understand "we don't have cable", they are plain cruel. Let's just say, and if this blog is any indication, I have a vast imagination. There is one show however, that whenever I had the chance to be in the presence of cable television I'd always want to watch. That show was The Simpsons. It's only natural: having immigrant parents is almost the equivalent of a Simpsons episode so you relate to much of the material.

Without further ado, I bring you my take on when to use Simpsons quotes in everyday life: whether to answer life's questions, get you out of situations, or how you can relate them to situations we've all been in. Thanks to a special lady who can quote most episodes by heart for some help with these.

Explaining why you dropped out of Uni:
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- Homer

When you really don't want to take a test or perform your duties at work - drop to the ground, hold your ribs and say:
ohhhhh, my ovaries!
- à la Monsieur Bart

When a friend fails at something:
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- Homer

Deep thoughts about death, or you're stoned:
Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

When asked about your sex life and you refuse to give a straight up answer:
Ralphie, you know you're not supposed to go in there. What IS your fascination with the forbidden closet of mystery?
- Wiggum

After stealing someone's girlfriend:
You're not going to win her back. She's with "The House" now. [laughs]
- Milhouse

Valentine's card:
It said, "I choo-choo-choose you!" and there's a picture of a train on it!!
- Ralph

When asked why you do not use abbreviations in emails, text messages, etc:
Max Power doesn't abbreviate!!
- Max Power, a.k.a. Homer

Have you been working out?
Well...a lot of dogs have been chasing me lately.
- Kirk VanHousen

When someone is in-audible on the phone:
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel
- Homer

Describe yourself:
I am a people person... who drinks.
- Homer

Surprised how this hasn't happened to me yet. And I clean often in non ventilated areas:
Mr. Clean bottle: Use only in a well ventilated area
Homer: * looks around closed in basement* Shove it buddy!
*Homer breathes in all the fumes and the room starts spinning. Looks at the cleaning supplies and everything comes to life and attacks him*
Mr. Clean: I must destroy you!
Homer: *Screams*

Advice on baby sitting for the 21st century:
Then we found out we could just sit them in front of the TV. i mean that's how i was raised and i turned out tv...
- Homer

On your outfit choice:
Belle: are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: i have misplaced my pants

When you're feeling down:
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
- Moe

Why job strikes shouldn't happen:
You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
- Homer

Giving life advice:
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
- Homer

Finding a missing dog:
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Age of consent:
What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding ...
- Bart

A good explanation of your cocaine habit:
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
- Ralph

Why social media is the end of oral communication:
The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.
- Homer

Bad break-up:
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
- Comic Book Guy

Man trying to seduce woman, over the phone:
Hello, this is Lance Romance.
- Homer

On why some men believe their future wives deserve nice weddings:
You deserve a wedding that, unlike our children, was planned in advance.
- Homer

How you failed ESL:
Me fail English? That's unpossible.
- Ralph

Explanation of your alcoholism:
Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.
- Homer

This is the worst thing you've ever done:
You say that so often that it lost its meaning.
- Homer

when someone's complaining:
Pfft, yeah right…you choose fruit….you live with fruit!
- Homer

Asking for vegetarian food at The Keg:
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

when you don't want to take calls (if you work for a police station):
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2
- Chief Wiggum

when pointing out a problem to someone say:
’Duff man is thrusting in the direction of the problem!

When something is broken or not working as efficiently as it should:
* in a german accent* ‘’ aahhh the (insert object name)….they do nothing!!!’’
- Radioactive Man

Do you believe in vampires?
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
- Homer

If you did this, you're an alcoholic:
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

What's the name of that movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves?
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."

When caught lying
oh pleasseee….everything looks bad if you remember it!
- Homer

when telling your friends the story of when the cops stopped you for drinking and driving:
So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence ... of being a jerk."
- Lenny

Women in the eyes of (some) men:
A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds ... it makes ice.
- Homer

For shits and giggles:
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

image source: http://www.comicbookjunction.com