Recollection of your teenage years

"I mean I just don't understand why girls find him good looking, cause he's not." "Find who good looking?" I ask. "Taylor Rautner. You gotta admit Robert Pattinson's good looking though."

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"I'm not emo" she says, screaming into the telephone. "Okay, you're nouveau emo," I say. "No I'm not! My friends say I'm scene but I'm not." "What's scene? Some new subculture that hasn't been invented yet? Nevermind. What are you then?" I ask. And with the upmost confidence, she replies, "I'm me!".

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She looks at me with her big eyes and with a little sadness in her voice admits, "I like this boy but he moved to another school so it's not going to work out."

13.14.15.16.17. Bliss. Not a care in the world. No care of the heartbreak to come, for the obstacles you'll have to overcome, of a job, a mortgage, of bills, the news, more heartbreak. And most of all, no idea of the loss of that wonderful feeling, the feeling of invincibility.

Documenting comments

A friend told me I leave the best comments on facebook. I will agree to that. I have constructed stories based on photographs and murdered the other comments above it, reclaiming my crown of "best commentor of all time" (if there ever was such an honour). Commentary is fun, so here's some. One's actually mine, luckily the lady who responded also knows how to leave a good comment.

Please note, the shirt in question was a Salt N Pepa one, so you can now understand the excitement.

Comment #2 comes from an event that was going on for two weeks. I love it because it shows how silly some wall posts people make are, observe:

How are you going to escape this one Olga?

The answers are closer than you think

Growing up without television was difficult (but beneficial in the long run), mainly because kids were talking about what happened on so and so show and you had absolutely no idea what was going on. Kids don't understand "we don't have cable", they are plain cruel. Let's just say, and if this blog is any indication, I have a vast imagination. There is one show however, that whenever I had the chance to be in the presence of cable television I'd always want to watch. That show was The Simpsons. It's only natural: having immigrant parents is almost the equivalent of a Simpsons episode so you relate to much of the material.

Without further ado, I bring you my take on when to use Simpsons quotes in everyday life: whether to answer life's questions, get you out of situations, or how you can relate them to situations we've all been in. Thanks to a special lady who can quote most episodes by heart for some help with these.

Explaining why you dropped out of Uni:
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- Homer

When you really don't want to take a test or perform your duties at work - drop to the ground, hold your ribs and say:
ohhhhh, my ovaries!
- à la Monsieur Bart

When a friend fails at something:
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- Homer

Deep thoughts about death, or you're stoned:
Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

When asked about your sex life and you refuse to give a straight up answer:
Ralphie, you know you're not supposed to go in there. What IS your fascination with the forbidden closet of mystery?
- Wiggum

After stealing someone's girlfriend:
You're not going to win her back. She's with "The House" now. [laughs]
- Milhouse

Valentine's card:
It said, "I choo-choo-choose you!" and there's a picture of a train on it!!
- Ralph

When asked why you do not use abbreviations in emails, text messages, etc:
Max Power doesn't abbreviate!!
- Max Power, a.k.a. Homer

Have you been working out?
Well...a lot of dogs have been chasing me lately.
- Kirk VanHousen

When someone is in-audible on the phone:
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel
- Homer

Describe yourself:
I am a people person... who drinks.
- Homer

Surprised how this hasn't happened to me yet. And I clean often in non ventilated areas:
Mr. Clean bottle: Use only in a well ventilated area
Homer: * looks around closed in basement* Shove it buddy!
*Homer breathes in all the fumes and the room starts spinning. Looks at the cleaning supplies and everything comes to life and attacks him*
Mr. Clean: I must destroy you!
Homer: *Screams*

Advice on baby sitting for the 21st century:
Then we found out we could just sit them in front of the TV. i mean that's how i was raised and i turned out tv...
- Homer

On your outfit choice:
Belle: are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: i have misplaced my pants

When you're feeling down:
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
- Moe

Why job strikes shouldn't happen:
You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
- Homer

Giving life advice:
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
- Homer

Finding a missing dog:
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Age of consent:
What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding ...
- Bart

A good explanation of your cocaine habit:
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
- Ralph

Why social media is the end of oral communication:
The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.
- Homer

Bad break-up:
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
- Comic Book Guy

Man trying to seduce woman, over the phone:
Hello, this is Lance Romance.
- Homer

On why some men believe their future wives deserve nice weddings:
You deserve a wedding that, unlike our children, was planned in advance.
- Homer

How you failed ESL:
Me fail English? That's unpossible.
- Ralph

Explanation of your alcoholism:
Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.
- Homer

This is the worst thing you've ever done:
You say that so often that it lost its meaning.
- Homer

when someone's complaining:
Pfft, yeah right…you choose fruit….you live with fruit!
- Homer

Asking for vegetarian food at The Keg:
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

when you don't want to take calls (if you work for a police station):
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2
- Chief Wiggum

when pointing out a problem to someone say:
’Duff man is thrusting in the direction of the problem!

When something is broken or not working as efficiently as it should:
* in a german accent* ‘’ aahhh the (insert object name)….they do nothing!!!’’
- Radioactive Man

Do you believe in vampires?
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
- Homer

If you did this, you're an alcoholic:
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

What's the name of that movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves?
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."

When caught lying
oh pleasseee….everything looks bad if you remember it!
- Homer

when telling your friends the story of when the cops stopped you for drinking and driving:
So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence ... of being a jerk."
- Lenny

Women in the eyes of (some) men:
A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds ... it makes ice.
- Homer

For shits and giggles:
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

image source: http://www.comicbookjunction.com

A whole new level of internet fame

We all know that facebook plays a larger role in relationships than most people are willing to admit. When, for example, you break up with your significant other, you both actually have a discussion of what to do about the facebook relationship status. With social media changing ever so quickly, I'm thinking the latest technology to hit the world wide web will help you and your nosy friends get involved in each others business even more, that is if you like the relationship limelight (lovers of public domestics put your hands up).

Here's my pitch: basically a twitter feed of fights had by your favourite friend couples and celebrities can also be followed since their divorces happen so often that even Perez himself can't keep up. This tool, charmingly called Domesticer is very helpful, especially when your friend calls you crying, eager to give you details about her break-up, you're already in the loop and not caught off guard, you've prepared some answers from the summary you got through this site. Plus you can get both sides of the story like you've always wanted.

Furthermore, hash tags can be implemented, for example, if your fight is about infidelity, then you'll write #lechery, or #someotherho and so on, if it was about your appearance something like #saggytits, #notskinnyenough will suffice.

You can even use Blip FM to remind your friends what songs you made up to or to remind them what New Edition song you lost your virginity to.

Still not convinced? Below are samples of how Domesticer works: (these are all fictional, any similarities to real people is completely coincidental, honest)

@paul: @paulette hey girl, i'm working late, so sorry, can we reschedule?
@paulette: @paul you're still at work? it's 7pm, you cancellin' the dinner plans now?!
@paul: @paulette it's a busy time baby, the recession, you know we're all working late! i'll make it up to you tomorrow i swear. #smooth
@paulette: @paul i was able to pencil in my eyebrows twice and wax my upper lip waiting for you to contact me!
@paulette: @paul i was checking your twitter feed earlier and @samantha has been sending way too many replies #suspicion
@paul: @paulette @samantha is just a friend. what about you and @smoothoperator?
@paulette: @paul i follow @smoothoperator because he's funny and has good music suggestions don't you dare #turntablesaround on me!
@paulette: @paul you planned a meeting with her on twitter!
@paul: @paulette @smoothoperator is sending nothing but baby making shit! and i said i go to that cafe all the time if she's around to say hi!
@paulette: @paul oh yeah? what about the song link you sent her this reminds me of you :)?
@paulette: @paul and why aren't you answering my text messages but using your phone for tweets???
@paul: @paulette i'm busy!!!
@paulette: @paul busy? who you claiming busy? busy with #someotherho cause im #notskinnyenough
@paul: @paulette i can't stand this! it's over! #done
@paulette: @paul what? nuh uh, my girl @tracie needs to get in on this for real.
@tracie: @paulette it's definitely #someotherho

Convenient? Thank me later. Don't delay, sign up to create your internet fame today!

Cocaine culture

I want to watch this so bad right now:


And this (embedding removed, you must click). Too bad Less Than Zero the movie is only loosely based on the novel. I heard they are remaking it, can someone confirm?

"Hi Queen Video."
"Hi, do you have Less Than Zero?"
"Let me check (types, types, types). Let me check the back."
"Okay."
"Yes, we have it."
"Awesome, do you have Bright Lights Big City?"
"Do you have a list of titles ma'am?"
"No just those two"
"Um, nope. That's Michael J. Fox right?"
"Yep."
"Yeah we had it on VHS. No more."
"I still have VHS."
"Would you like Less Than Zero to be put on hold then?"
"Yes please, I'll be in later."

Trailer narration was pretty lame in the 80's.
And, am I the only one who enjoyed the film version of American Psycho?
And, and don't miss the Informers, in theatres Friday.
And, and, and, follow Bret on Twitter! I wish Jay had twitter.

Are you waiting for consent?

Some signs that prove you may be suffering from a very serious disease called "Trapped in the captivity of un-originality":

- No matter how many other countries are in Central-South America, you always go to Cuba or the Dominican Republic and look forward to it as if it's a life changing trip although you won't ever leave the resort
- You drink Grey Goose because the rappers draaank it, yep draaank
- You are cheap enough to consume Absolut
- You think Lil Wayne is a big contribution to the world of hip-hop and love his, ahem, "swag"
- Biggie and Tupac are a large part of your life. By large I mean huge, meaning you believe you are his "homie".
- At least one of your facebook photo albums is called "Random" or "Me"
- You do the peace sign and pursed lips when someone whips out a camera in da club
- Most likely this beer is a Corona or Labatt
- When you enter said club, you immediately scream "let's do shots"
- And you sometimes wonder why you're easy
- You bought a Blackberry Pearl
- You probably think I'm a total bitch
- Your sunglasses are a rip-off of a pair designed by the one and only Donatella Versace, which is not a good thing
- You only shop at stores that also have locations at malls. Your belief is if it's at the mall, it must be good because they can afford mall rent prices
- You will attempt relation between the Damask sticker on your ipod to Warhol when you don't even know who he is, nor did he design it
- Your boyfriend must always be named dropped in conversations when he has no relevance to the convo
- Speaking of your boyfriend, he most likely likes popped collars, white square toe shoes, white belts, Armani Exchange and Le Chateau (it's a tie), drives a modified car, and still has frosted tips. Oh and he works at a promo company rubbing shoulders with the likes of Nick Carter and Lady GaGa (jealousy woes)
- You own a TNA bag (claiming it's roomy), Ugg Boots (congratulations on at least splurging for a real pair over faux), jogging-yoga pants and a vest from GAP and continue to wear this out eight years after it was banned.
- There is a large possibility you have a degree in Commerce.
- Beyonce's your girl

image source: http://media.nowpublic.net

You're my occupation

I always wondered what people with non-conventional occupations hand in when they apply for those "other" jobs. Luckily, after a little bit of research, I managed to come across* the most ideal resume I have ever laid my eyes on. I mean this girl has had every possible unconventional job I can think of, yep, the ones your parents would never agree too but you gotta get to get by. And, as per usual, I decided it would be great to add a little commentary.

PLEASE NOTE: If you manage your money right, and don't mind living in debt for awhile, OSAP can be paid in other ways but the ones stated below

Click to view larger

*If you thought I actually came across this, you're quite gullible. Heard of photoshop and a little imagination?

News, part III

I've been quoted in an article in the Ottawa Citizen. I won't link you cause then you'll know who I really am, haha. Let's keep some mystery on this blog okay?

I've been indirectly quoted in an article in Guerilla Magazine. I say indirectly because the research was clearly taken from my other blog. Read it here.

Disco's back and don't you ever question that! Planning my Studio 54/1970s themed party as I type.

I'm working on my coffee sleeve art and some of them are following certain themes. When I have time this week, I will go out to Omer Deserres and purchase another sketch book and stick them in there.

I met TatVictoria and Mathletix at the Greyhound station while waiting in the never ending line to go back to O-Town. Remember when I told you most of Toronto's residents are from Ottawa? It was proven that day. Any way, Tatiana and I have been following each other on Twitter for a few weeks and I recognized her from the avatar. Even crazier, just the day before we were discussing (on Twitter) a trip to Ella's Uncle (the café, I don't know anyone with a niece named Ella). She's just as charming as I anticipated she would be. Thank you social media!

I met smooth operator Modernmod at the Mesh conference, another person who I've been following on Twitter. ***Humming Sade***

A few people realized I am in fact 23 years old and not 28 like they assumed. I do sometimes have a low maturity level and if we hang outside of a professional environment you might get introduced to it. For work purposes, I'm 23 going on 30, compris?

Danielle Meder is kind enough to always link me. I'm returning the favour and informing you of how nice and helpful this awesome illustrator is. So go ahead, read her blog, follow her on twitter or email her.

I went back to Canada's rudest city this weekend (home). Another six months and I would've forgotten I ever lived there. One thing I've noticed: buildings here go up faster than any other city I've ever been too, compare that to Montreal, where an average building will take a minimum of seven years to go up.

The people you most expect to read your blog don't, the people you least expect to read it, do so and praise it at the same time. Thank you.

Special thanks to a super savvy marketing friend for the wonderful red polka dot scarf from Club Monaco. Our coffee was brief, but 110% worth it.

According to a friend, new Moby tunes are no good for the bedroom. So if you're getting between the sheets, make sure you got the proper beats. Recommendations to come.

According to this girl, I always say "let's be more like the French". It's true, but for today, let's try and take some examples from the Anglos.

Stay Ali's "Emotional Day (FutureFlashs Vocal Mix)" on repeat.

The Chronicles of Honesty

Sometimes, you need to be honest.
Sometimes it pays to keep your eyes closed.

The girl clearly had no interest in anything about me as I was doing all the asking. What do you do? Where did you grow up? Did you finish school? Do you have a disease I should be warned about? That kind of thing. I'm used to it, non listeners make up 95% of my friends and acquaintances (sorry if you're reading this, read subheading for clarity). A lot of interesting shit has happened to me, I mean I never lived under crackheads like this chick but I've had adventures. I might have to revive a few.

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Dear old lover,

I want my heart back. I'm tired of living without it and I'm pretty sure I have a receipt proving it's mine. So, kindly if you may, give it back. Just cause it was on my sleeve that one time doesn't mean you were allowed to just take it. I'm sure we can come up with sort of amicable agreement.

Coffee sleeve art

***© COPYRIGHT, STARBUCKS I'M LOOKING AT YOU***
I doodle...a lot. My exam papers, class notes and calculator were filled with them. Sometimes, I doodle on my lunch hour, which consists of me not actually taking a lunch just doing some work at my desk and somewhat eating food, and maybe, doodling. I also drink lots and lots of coffee, and today I thought it would be a good idea to do something with the never ending amounts of sleeves I recycle. Here are two sleeves I doodled on at the 9 to 5. Art exhibit soon?

If Fink, Dershowitz and Chomsky had twitter...

Don't ask us how we found it, but we did. Bear and I have managed to dig up Professor Finkelstein's Twitter account and post his status updates for you. Dershowitz and Chomsky also make appearances. Please keep in mind Fink's Brooklyn accent while reading these because it makes it just that much better. Note: If you have no idea who these people are, I suggest using a simple google search for context. Video suggested (Part 1 and Part 2). Warning, highly political content, leaning towards the LEFT.

Please click to view larger

Baby I've missed you

Although Ottawa is known as governmentville, it does boast some of Canada's best bike paths and many of Canada's best rated restaurants including the world renowned Le Cordon Bleu school, Beckta, The Whalesbone and The Works to name a few. There are a few more that closed down a few years ago thanks to a little enquiry by the name of Gomery. But one thing Ottawa is known worldwide for (alongside the canal and Beaver Tails) is the amount of restaurants with the word "shawarma" hanging onto it. Even my dear university had a cover story in their newspaper dedicated to shawarma tasting. Having lived in Ottawa practically my entire life, I can easily tell the difference between good and bad shawarma joints simply by the storefront. If they have "donair", it's best to stay away, if "shawarma" is the second word, proceed with caution, if “shawarma” is a subtitle, it could go both ways, and if it ends with "King", it failed the health inspection test...twice (there is only one that ends with King, hence AVOID). Another positive sign is looking at the line-ups from the window. Long line=good stuff. And the smaller the store, the better the food. However, having moved only six months ago to Toronto, it has made me appreciate not only the crummy shawarma joints in Ottawa but their terrible service. Toronto's best shawarma restaurant is the equivalent of Ottawa’s worst shawarma joint, because even the obnoxious Garlic King in the suburbs serves garlic potatoes and decent garlic sauce. You're allowed to be rude if your food is at least decent. What’s up with substituting garlic potatoes with fries Toronto shawarma store owners? And who makes your garlic sauce? And who said it was okay to serve Gyros and have shitty customer service all at the same time? (Naz's Falafel house - DON'T EVER GO). Gyros is Greek and if you serve crappy food at least have the decency of including better customer service. This is UNACCEPTABLE! So, to the dear people who run shawarma joints in T to the Dot, please, for the sake of your professional development, take a trip down to Shawarma town, head to the corner of Rideau and Chapel, passed the crack heads and the Korean man directing people out of his parking lot and watch the 70 year old man at Shawarma Palace take over an entire table and hand cut all the garlic pieces that go into their extra garlic, mega tasty sauce and while you're at it, get a hold of some great customer service AND good food, all in one.

**PLEASE NOTE: many shawarma joints in Ottawa do indeed offer a combination of bad food and bad service, but there are so many shawarma joints in the city you're not limited on choice.

image source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lexnger/2276605381/