Arty: the memoirs

Some of my friends say hilarious stuff. For example, my friend Dre, after a long absence of emails, starts off her epic apology letter with "Je suis désolée si ca m’a pris du temps à t’écrire…jai vécu une semaine de cul (pas dans le bon sens :)) ces derniers moments. " If you understood that, you may have died of laughter.

Another friend of mine, Bean, gives the best advice regarding males. Send her a long message about your dillemma and you'll get this: "eww, guys are gross, move on." And she couldn't be more right. And then, there's Arty. Arty is a special case, mainly because he doesn't necessarily attempt to be the funniest man ever, I just think he is. Since I met him at an old summer job, a.k.a. "the morgue", his lines have been nothing short of gems. Last summer, Dre and I decided that we must preserve these Arty treasures. We agreed to begin working on a thin pocket sized book called "Arty: the memoirs" filled with his best material. Since then, any conversation with Arty, whether by email, phone, facebook, text message or in person is recorded in a trusty word document until Dre and I are able to fill 50 moleskin sized pages with quotes. And since you are all taking the time to read this blog, below is a sneak peek of our manuscript.
NOTE: Yes the Simpsons-esque cartoon on the side is Arty's and it's quite accurate.

On the idea of having a book of his quotes published:
"You can have all the copyrights to my life you want, you'll probably actually do something with my life."

On how his day is going:
"I forgot my wallet and didn’t bring a sandwich today. I have like a chapters gift certificate which I can use to get money...."

On how his Christmas went:
My Christmas kind of sucked. I found out that you're supposed to shave against the grain when shaving your mustache (shave up). I was like "what? I've been shaving for three years and no one ever told me, I've always been shaving down". I guess that's why I always had the dirty mustache thing going on. It was embarrassing, it definitely rattled me and ruined my Christmas. Like why didnt anyone tell me... so i shaved up today, it looks better but i cut myself a lot, it looks like my lips tried to commit suicide. All those days I've gone out in public looking like a bum...

On his car ride to work:"The drives are pretty bad, it takes like an hour to get here with my mom, and the whole car ride is her nagging about the traffic, weather and the oc transpo strike. And she always wants to hear the news and I'm just like “you want the news? you want the news? Here's the news: Obama is still black and the OC transpo strike is still going on”.

On his new job:
"There’s a kind of hot girl in Starbucks downstairs. Maybe I should force myself to fall in love with her, then each day would involve my finding ways to make contact with her and my day would be filled with highs and lows of emotions from successes and failures, respectively, of getting her to notice me. My life in this building would have some purpose, a useless one, but a purpose nonetheless."